if ever there was a time when i needed someone it's today. i am feeling so miserable. it's funny the way that you know that you need someone but you just want to be alone. the truth is i know who i need and i can't be with him. it's wednesday, it's my day. well it was. i'd be mad but i forgive him. i just don't have it in me to be mad at him. loving him is the purest emotion i've ever felt and i can't just shut it off. i don't even know what happened to him. he said he loves me and he hopes one day we'll be together. so why not today? why not yesterday? i don't understand. he asked me to give him a couple of days and then we'll talk. i'm trying and it's hard. i can't wait to go away this weekend. it has been promised that i will be kept so drunk that i won't notice he's not there. i might need that. basically this whole ordeal is killing me physically and emotionally. i have the whole depressed anorexia thing down. i am still under 1000 calories since sunday. the shakes have gone away and the stomach cramps come and go. i eat when i get the cramps and they go away. i'm just not hungry and when i put food in my mouth i gag. i have to force myself to eat one bite. food that i don't have to chew is the best because then i just swallow it. mashed potatoes. i've even lost the desire to drink. the water doesn't taste the same. i have a hard time falling asleep. i can't clear my mind enough. i get pains in my body. pains in my head. mostly i start crying and eventually i fall asleep while crying. as far as eating goes, my body is falling back into a very old pattern that i didn't eventhink it remembered anymore. the stomach cramps go away soon or i get used to them, i can't remember. i'm down a little over 10 now. i don't even care but i can already start to see it in my face. my chin gets pointy as i lose fat from my cheeks. i had a pair of pants on yesterday that were the perfect size when i bought them and i can pull them off without unbuttoning. nothing stimulates me. my teeth hurt, so i'm going to the dentist. at least i'm trying, these places never open. don't people need to go to the dentist in the morning. i hate everything today. things used to be vibrant and beautiful to me. now they're fading and all kind of dull. i pretend to smile and i make fake laughter and no one notices.